The closer one is, the more it hurts

Perhaps I will regret in the future but at the moment, all I need is the drive to keep me going. Do I really need to subject myself to the potential emotional roller coaster? Especially so when careless remarks are delivered so easily.

I can live without the companionship and rosiness anyway.

At times like this, I just want to close the door and not let anyone in.

Honestly.. why bother?

I am wavered.

2012

... ... has been surreal. Period.

2011 coming to an end

My mind is whirling with thoughts as the year 2011 comes to an end.

All the possibilities of 2012.... so exhilarating and frightening at the same time!

I think about work now day and night.. there isn't much room or energy for anything else at the end of the day..

Probably just enough time for a catchup or two with friends, a good run and Sunday service..?

With such a drastic change in environment, I will naturally feel stressed at times.. however it wasn't from a negative scenario.. In fact, upon further introspection I came to understand that the probability of good prospects far exceeds my wildest expectations..

The stress comes from the knowledge that if I were to maintain what I am currently doing now, the sky's the limit for 2012! hence the opportunity cost is great if for some reason I fail to do so..

you know, that kinda stupid fear of "what ifs"..

God, you can take over.. my mind is too puny to juggle work and worry about all these "what ifs" concurrently.. an excerpt that I came across today aptly relayed that

When we rest in the Lord, He will not rest. He will work on our behalf.

I can't believe you just said THAT..

"Do not think you know better just because you studied more. Experience wise I will always be ahead of you.."

I was told that in Mandarin by my dad (*surprise surprise*)..

... AND it was me announcing that I bought a studio shoot package for the family (with the best intention because I know my dad had wanted to take a family portrait for a while) that led to that statement..

What the fuck riiiight? how on earth it got to that??

on hindsight, it is so ridiculous that it is funny.. how dysfunctional my family can get..

It all started with a very innocent corporate photoshoot because I need a nice picture for my namecard.. I decided to get a promotional $99 studio package which includes 5 photos (of various dimensions) from 40 shots.. the idea was a 1 family portrait, 1 of my parents and 1 each for me and my siblings..

unfortunately, somehow the good intention wasn't communicated across.. FML

when I told my dad this morning that we can fix one day and go down to the studio together, he started playing the role of a naysayer..

"Did you ask whether you can get a softcopy?" "Do you know what's the price to print more copies?" "Do you know that such a cheap package doesn't include all these?" "You have to consider all these before you buy, you know.." "It's not such a good deal actually."

To his concerns, I explained that I am well-aware that if I want all these additional stuff I prolly gotta pay extra and I did take all these into consideration.. if the "extra" is too ridiculously priced, I'm happy with the 5 photos alone..

Oblivious to what I just said, he repeated the whole chunk again, implying that I got conned.. not once, not twice but at least 3 times..!

Okay, let me admit my fault first..... I lost it.

I was damn annoyed and I stated (not in the most charming tone) that I'm a grown adult now, I don't need you to teach me how to go about doing this as if I am still a little girl.. I know you people had wanted to do this for a while but no one wants to do a proper job of organising it.. and since I've already forked out the money for the studio shoot, for God's sake, just turn up..

He kept quiet a while and sat in his armchair.. a few minutes later he shot me that stunning one-liner..

afterwhich he pointed out that he has observed my behaviour to be the complete opposite when at home and outside.. I appear to be very patient to outsiders but I don't treat my family well..

"I admit you have had higher education but that does not mean you are more knowledgeable," he added. "We'll always know more than you!"

Great! My dad has an even lower opinion of me now.. he is convinced that I am a hypocrite AND I look down on them..

SIGH.. I give up..

Baby steps

I passed my M5 from SCI today!

was grinning from ear to ear as I walked out of the exam venue at Suntec Tower 2 this morning..

M5 is one of the 3 papers I gotta pass before I start work..

My current fling..

I was so afraid that I would fail and have to retake.. mainly because I haven't study anything concrete for the past 3 years and now I have to finish a text book every week, 1 textbook for 1 paper..

the fact that I'll only be reimbursed if I pass all three papers at the first try made me stress too!

Thank God my brain still functions well..!!!!!!!!!

now that I realised the papers are actually quite manageable, I can't wait to finish my "tottering" and start "sprinting"!!

I give myself 2 years! let's wait and see! so excited..

Leap of faith

Today I gave up my mortgage specialist offer with attractive renumeration for a job with no basic pay and 100% commission...

Some friends said I am mad..

God, Im trusting you on this one.

The next chapter..

After 3 years I have decided to quit my job.

Left to Right: Wang Fang, Me and Jerlene

Never expected this day to come to be honest.. I was so happy and carefree in the airlines.. I love my crew friends, I love to travel and I thought I could stay in this job forever..

how it first started was when (ironically) I told myself that since I enjoy flying THAT much, I might as well give all my offdays away and spend minimal time in Singapore.. I dont have a boyfriend or other commitments anyway.. and it is really REALLY beneficial to my bank account..

I flew like mad.

I was never in Singapore for longer than a day plus at any one point in time.. the record was a whole month with only 4offdays.. unfortunately, that also force me to see the monetary limit of this job.. I am flying my ass off and this xxxx amount is the highest that I can ever hope to earn for the next decade at least..

at around the same point in time, I caught up with an old friend who just bought a BMW after 2 years plus in a sales job.. oh man! I am very happy for him but it made me realised how small my current comfort zone is..

long story short, I decided to give sales job a shot..

Since I have almost no life already anyway, a sales job can't be worse than that..

the world is my oyster and I am out to get it!!